スカイラー・カーギルのインスタグラム(skylarkergil) - 7月12日 06時51分

seven and a half years ago, i pulled a flannel over my bare chest. scars brand new, raw and vulnerable. seven and a half years ago, i finally felt at home.
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after the surgeon cut out what held me back in december of 2009, i felt free. i felt bare, skinny, weak, and amazing. top surgery was the best day of my life. many of you will read, or have read, in my memoir about the agonizing years leading up to my surgery. i never thought the day would come and i felt helpless. hell, i punched a hole through my bedroom window when i finally realized, at 18 years old and heading off to college, that i wouldn't have the time or money for surgery before starting anew. hiding under my binder, sleeping with it on because of fire drills, slipping it on over my sweaty, aching skin, night after night while living in a dorm. it is easier now to say that it wasn't that bad, to look back on it and try to reimagine waiting in a positive, optimistic way. but the truth is, every day was a struggle to get out of bed, to cross my arms across my chest and hope no one saw the lines of my binder. to try to run and find myself squeezed and out of breath. to try to be free only to be reminded of the cage i was in.
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the day finally came. i had surgery during winter break of freshman year of college. i returned to Skidmore, barely three weeks post op. i healed, largely alone, but with the help of several friends - i healed. .
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i thought i wanted my scars gone, applying treatment oils and mederma and silicone strips over my first year post op. finally, i began to just let them sink into me. they are still there. and wildly enough, i am grateful to see them. accepting my scars wasn't easy - it took at least three or four years. but every day since then, i am reminded of how thankful i am.
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for all of you waiting - i know you will make it. let me know how i can help you toward your own freedom. i love you #trans #transandhappy #topsurgery #ftm #lgbt #love

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