レイチェル・ブレイセンのインスタグラム(yoga_girl) - 5月18日 09時54分

I just saw my old boyfriend and it was beautiful and healing and painful at the same time. He was my everything for so long, my one love before Dennis, and when I left him I also left an entire community. A family. A whole life. I never went back. I never grieved the loss of him. It's been nine years and it's not until just now that I'm realizing I also left a piece of myself behind. We were madly in love but violently so. I never knew where I ended and where he began and this was why in the end I had to go. I had to figure out who I was and how can you find yourself when you're lost in someone else? I couldn't live with who I was any longer. So I booked a ticket to Costa Rica... And cried the entire plane ride there. A week later I called him from a pay phone and told him I wasn't coming back.
Seeing him is like stepping into a time warp. It's been nine years and all I want to do is to put him and Dennis in a room together. I've never known two people so different but so alike. Same heart. Different life.
We visited a friends grave tonight. His best friend, his brother. Once mine too. My last year living in Sweden was a blur of the three of us together. Jack, big brother, the protector of all. I loved him. He was the only person I felt safe with in a car even though he drove like every day was his last and we had to get where we were going in the most thrilling way possible. He lived fast, hard, all in all the time. Like he knew his time on earth was limited.

These years were drenched in alcohol and reckless love. On my graduation day when I didn't want to get out of the car because a sadness I couldn't explain was eating away at my heart, Jack sat with me in the parking lot, quietly letting me cry until I was ready to face the celebrations outside.
He crashed his car nine months before Andrea crashed hers and right before, he wrote me. We hadn't spoken for so long and for some reason we spoke about death. He said - Gud tar dom bästa först. God takes the best ones first. And then he died.
Putting my hands in the earth by his grave with my ex boyfriend tonight may just be the most surreal thing I've ever done.

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