ニッキー・リードのインスタグラム(nikkireed) - 7月21日 04時06分

One year ago today. Packing bags in preparation for her arrival. What soap do I use to wash all her clothes? How do I know what to bring? Will I be able to have a home birth? That’s the plan but can you really plan? Holy shit this baby has to fit through... there? But what if I don’t know how to do this? All of this...
The presence of anxiety surrounding labor and birth now meeting me in dreams, during morning walks, while cooking dinner, and pregnancy meditation. Walk your baby down I was told. Just keep walking. What if I won’t be able to breastfeed? What if I won’t hear her in the night? What if I lose all of the intimacy we cherish in an already busy home? How will I navigate this journey, this transition, this expansion? The internal dialogue that found its way to me in the last two weeks of us sharing the same body, coupled with having to pee every 15 minutes, an achey lower back, still going to work everyday plus hospital related fears was at times all-consuming. Still I had no idea what was right around the corner. Most of what I anticipated didn’t happen, and everything I didn’t think of did. What a beautiful lesson right? You can prep and plan and talk and cry, and somehow a surprise will still find its way in. The woman in this photo who was nervous about being able to breastfeed now has an almost 1 year old who still isn’t interested in eating solid food. Yes, you heard me, I am still almost exclusively nursing because that is what my child wants, and I’m along for the ride. I was told I couldn’t get mastitis 5 days after delivering but of course, that 103 fever hit me like nothing I could have ever imagined. I desperately clung to my dream of having a home birth, and at the last second ended up in a hospital room with my amazing doula/midwife and a doctor I met with as a backup only 12 hours before, yet somehow made it though completely unmedicated. To all the mamas out there I am so inspired by what each and every one of you went through to bring your little one into the world. May we continue to speak openly, asking questions and sharing experiences. And may we continue supporting each other with a gentleness rooted in strength and wisdom.

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