レイチェル・ブレイセンのインスタグラム(yoga_girl) - 2月22日 07時25分

We cleaned out the shed today and I guess this notebook was hiding in an old drawer of an old dresser or something because all of a sudden it was lying on top of a stack of books in the front yard. I haven’t seen it in years.

This is the journal I started when @ahlaluna died. For the longest time I thought this would be the title of the book I eventually ended up writing about that very same time of my life, the book that started out about friendship and loss but somehow became a memoir. The book that changed my life.

To the light that glitters across the ocean as the sun sets.

Even though as a book title it’s long and a little odd and To Love and Let Go was a good choice I still think of this as the original title because this was the journal I opened up every day when the pain became too much to bear and the only way to lighten it was to talk to her.

After the accident, when I lost all faith in life and stopped listening altogether, she spoke to me through glittering light. When I was so sore from the surgery I couldn’t stand up and when all I wanted to do was lie in a dark room, it was the light glittering across the ocean that got me up and outside for the first time. I remember standing on the dock, belly wrapped in bandages, the light beckoning me. I threw my clothes off and jumped in. When I surfaced, I was floating in a sea of diamonds. Light, everywhere. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and within me, something moved. I took a deep breath and shouted as loud as I could; “I feel something!” because for so long, I had been numb. But there, naked in the light, was something.

This entire journal is an ode to that light. An ode to her. It was a monologue that became a conversation the moment I started trusting in life enough to listen again.

Next month it will be 7 years. She still visits. And I’m still listening.

🐺🤍

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