Nicole Mejiaのインスタグラム(nicole_mejia) - 1月12日 13時45分

—
Damn.

What am I doing still thinking about you?

It’s been 5 months since you told me you don’t want “that type of love” and yet, here I am
my mind goes straight shot
back to you.

I was doing an exercise the other day.
It was that “where do you want to see yourself in 6 months?” type of deal.

Well, when I look into my heart and in my mind’s eye
6 months from today
I’m sitting it an eclectic little mountain cafe.
Somewhere in Montana
writing in my notebook
sipping on a cappuccino
foamed with fresh oat milk.

And when I look up from my page, in this vision of mine, do you know what I see?

YOU.

Sitting across from me
you’re reading your book.
You notice my stare
and then give me one of those cheeky-eyed grins you wear so god damn well.

What the hell am I doing still thinking about you?

Better yet, what in the hell are you doing in my future?

This is MY future I’m trying to create.
This is MY precious creative energy,
and I’m only giving it to those who can pour it in me right back.

With you, there is no even-keel reciprocity—
there is no equal give and flow.

Our relationship was full of lows and highs
and that shit’s exciting.
I know.

But I can’t build my future on ground that’s not stable—
that’s not real.

And I won’t lie to myself.
I can’t deny the way that I feel.

Maybe it’s my fault.
Maybe I shouldn’t have hit you up that night when I was at my most vulnerable and low.

But in that place of raw and dark authenticity
you were the only soul I wanted to call.

Maybe I make things more complicated than they need to be.

Maybe just because you don’t love me “like that”
doesn’t mean you altogether don’t love me.

Maybe my ego’s just bruised.
And I can’t stand the fact that I can’t convince one I love to buy into a future that I so clearly see.

Maybe I need to get the fuck over myself and just accept the friendship for what it could be.

Maybe loving someone unavailable is more of a sign than I give it credit for.

Maybe it’s time I step out of my shell,
put myself out there,
and start to date more.

But then just as I do,
my mind,
it says, in the faintest of whispers:

“But what if he comes around?
Why don’t we wait a little longer?”

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