キノ・マクレガ―のインスタグラム(kinoyoga) - 10月12日 10時06分
It started when I was 11. He was 22, or maybe he was 26. I can’t remember. I also don’t know what month it was or exactly where it happened. I just remember it was the summer. He said he would walk me home and instead of taking care of me, he walked me into a closet and before I even understood what was happening, he had my clothes off and was already far along on his agenda before I said, wait, what’s happening? It had never crossed my mind that someone who said they would walk me home, someone who presented as a hero, a guide, a friend, a cool kid would do this. Anyhow, the damage was done.
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This wouldn’t be the last time a man would ignore my attempts to set a boundary and press ahead with their agenda. I didn’t report it when I was 11. I internalized it, blamed my body, my looks, my youth. I told false stories about how it was all ok. For years I lost my ability to say no at all. So I embraced yes, and said yes to everything.
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So yeah, boundaries have always been hard for me. The awareness to say no often comes way too late to be effective. Then, it just snowballs and sometimes I lose my ability to say no at all. There have been conversations that have clearly crossed a line, times when I went in with an open trusting heart only to be taunted into a cruel game, or worse, used, manipulated and strait up abused. Each time I end up feeling sorry for myself I can turn the clock back to the moment when I should have said no, when, if my boundaries and self-awareness had been on track, I would have stated a clear no and, had I managed it then, the whole trajectory of traumatic events might have been different.
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The culture of rape is systemic.
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Young women are abused and assaulted. We are trained not to report or talk about it, through both outright and subliminal messaging. We are told that our stories don’t matter, that our bodies are there for the taking. We are conditioned to blame ourselves if something goes wrong. We are taught to swallow our anger. Meanwhile, our perpetrators are given free license to run free and plow forward. Some people even cheer them on.
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It’s up to each one of us to do our part in a much-needed and long overdue reformation.
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2018/10/12
